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2015 - Revolution or Resolution....

the New Year's resolutions of key political figures - provided by an anonymous benefactor....

A new year and a new chapter, or maybe more accurately for most of us a new paragraph in the unfolding elegy of our unique and individual lives. So we have all written our New Year’s resolutions have we not? Smoking, drinking, unacceptable behaviour in public places (less), exercise, good deeds, unacceptable behaviour in public places (more) etc etc. All so predictable, but lo, an anonymous benefactor sends me an e-mail with the New Year’s resolutions from key political figures hacked from a completely secure Whitehall computer. Some seem to involve perjury, theft and strange behaviour with livestock, but as these are the meat and drink of politicians in Westminster I have taken the liberty of editing these out. Below an extract of the top ten from some of those who lead the nation in the manner of flocks of singing and line dancing lemmings towards the cliff edge:

David Cameron

  • Remove the mummified body of my old nanny from the spare room to make space for my collection of teddy bears and cricket bats
  • No more flushing poor old Cleggy’s head down the toilet before Cabinet meetings I am giving up bullying everyone except EU Commissioners
  • More make up before public appearances to avoid that slightly pissed red cheeked and red nosed look so favoured by city bankers after work
  • Let poor old Gove off the naughty step and give him a proper job back
  • Invite a number of Roma gypsies to live in the back garden of Number 10 for a couple of months  in order to try to understand what all the fuss is out there
  • Hand over a selection of irritating backbenchers to ISIS for reprogramming
  • Try harder to understand what statistics really mean before using them
  • Send my Cabinet colleagues on an ‘Understanding the real meaning of Statistics' course
  • See if flirting works with Angela and if not send Boris over
  • Take a course in black street slang so I can give Barack some brotherly love
  • Ask some of the people who now own 95% of the world’s wealth if we can please have some back

Nick Clegg

  • Retake that arithmetic course so that I can make a connection between some of those wonderfully sensitive giveaway policies and cost
  • Apply the theory to the schools meals project
  • Stop apologising for the whoops moment on student fees
  • Make sure I meet all of my Liberal Democrat MPs
  • Put aside something from my salary in April to buy a small goodbye gift and a card for those MPs after the May election
  • Write a list of things I would like for my going away present
  • Buy a book which explains fracking

Ed Milliband

  • Write a list of policies I personally believe in without the help of a focus group, the Unions or an opinion poll
  • Ask my Union friends if these are acceptable to them
  • Try to remember what the policies are
  • Don’t ask my brother how he feels about my approval rating or my policies
  • Be very, very nice to my new best friends from the Scottish Nationalist Party
  • Buy a tartan skirt and take the bagpipe lessons ready for May
  • Keep telling the English that being ruled by the SNP is going to be a good thing and if it’s not a Commission will be set up to report back once I retire from politics
  • Buy a prayer mat ready for the hard bargaining if we need a coalition arrangement with the SNP
  • Get the policy team to think of ten good reasons why it is perfectly fair for the Scots to vote on English issues
  • Stop David flushing Cleggy’s head down the toilet
  • Flush Ballsy’s head down the toilet much more
  • Try to fit his body down after his head

Nigel Farage

  • Buy more shares in Greene King for the portfolio
  • Try to find someone who can produce some policies other than on the EU and immigration
  • Start up a new enterprise designing and selling UKIP waistcoats
  • Flush every other leader’s head down the toilet after replacing trousers
  • Try to locate Scotland on the map
  • Ask for quotations to fill in the Channel Tunnel
  • Make sure Junker is inspecting it when the contractor starts work
  • Reinforce non racist credentials by proving rumours of German wife is an invention are not true
  • Prepare for power after May
  • Hand over a selection of irritating party members who are verbally incontinent to ISIS for reprogramming

Alexis Tsipras

  • Shred the national credit card
  • Ignore the bailiffs
  • Buy all my buddies a round of drinks in drachma

May we live in interesting times as the Chinese would have it….




                                                                                                                                                                               Liveryman Jeff Cant